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You've noted that while society's happy for a famous man to age, and become distinguished, and generally wander around looking like a fucking wizard, the women generally still seem to be 20 years younger, and standing there on the cover of magazines, all like, "Oh! You've watched the whole Caitlyn Jenner trans thing unfold and gone, "You know what — this all seems fair enough. You like women being equal to men — which is all that feminism means. Because I am a chronic over-sharer, and incapable of keeping secrets. They both have that slight implication of, "I'm now going to launch into a speech that's basically about what a great person I am". " — until they feel as normal as saying "pina colada", or "Michael Fassbender". Similarly, when we talk about the patriarchy, that's not you, either. And then it turned up every month for the next 30 years. I PRESUME YOUR CONCERN FOR THE WELFARE OF CHILDREN EXTENDS INTO A LIFE SPENT VOLUNTEERING IN CARE HOMES, FOSTERING AND DONATING YOUR WAGES TO THE NSPCC — AND DOESN'T SOLELY REST ON HARASSING AND ABUSING TEARFUL, POSSIBLY RAPED WOMEN WHO ARE TRYING TO GET A SAFE, LEGAL MEDICAL PROCEDURE SO THEY DON'T FUCK UP THE REST OF THEIR LIVES." Here's another thing we're too embarrassed to say: we'd love it if a big bunch of pro-choice men turned up at these clinics, and helped escort the scared women in. And if women talk 25–50 per cent of the time, they're seen as "dominating the conversation". We've seen our biggest female role-models and icons shamed in the press, over and over: computers hacked and nude pictures released; sex-tapes released. One of the few times I have been personally offended was when Martin Amis commented on a column I wrote about female masturbation. You're just getting up in the morning, putting on your trousers and getting on with stuff. Male feminists We're embarrassed when other women say, "Men can't be feminists!
You know babies come out of vaginas and it fucking stings, and that the vaginas are having a hard time anyway, what with all the waxing they get. You've called Donald Trump "a twat" for his sexist comments about a female news anchor being on her period. It's the 21st century and you are, most assuredly, not a dick. So, what I am going to do, instead, is tell you 12 things about women that women are usually too embarrassed to tell you themselves. It's the same as when you say the word "environment". You are unlikely to get custody of your kids, and are three times more likely to commit suicide. Men, imagine if, some time around your 12th birthday, some manner of viscous liquid — let's say gravy — suddenly appeared in your pants, in the middle of a maths lesson. We're like, "THIS IS ALREADY A REALLY, REALLY SHIT DAY. Talking In the last year or so, we saw this study, from America, and it broke our hearts a bit, because it explains so much: in a mixed-gender group, when women talk 25 per cent of the time or less, it's seen as being "equally balanced". From the moment we grew our tits, we've been cat-called in the street; commented on by relatives ("Ooooh, she's big-boned"; "Well, you'll be a heart-breaker") as if we weren't standing there in front of them, hearing all this. Ninety per cent of what men wear is "some trousers".
If a young woman isn't to go mad, then masturbation is a needful hobby, as vital as going on long country walks, to get a bit of air in your lungs, and pursuing the revolution. It doesn't cost anything, it doesn't make you fat, you can knock it off in five minutes flat if you think about Han Solo, or some monkeys "doing it" on an Attenborough documentary, and it means you can face the world with a kind of stoned, post-coital cheerfulness that would otherwise require Valium, or constant spa-breaks. Think of all the different kinds of looks women can have, depending on their clothes, hair and make-up: "Slutty".
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