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22-Jul-2016 07:09

It's a little exciting to be scared, isn't it?For a taste of Dafoe's strange allure, forget his crazy/sexy Jesus in , H. Lovecraft described "the Innsmouth look," a mien you inherit if your pop was a horny deckhand and your mom was an immortal fish-monster. And while beautiful people get sexiness for free (usually, anyway — check back soon for some exceptions), ugly people have to work for it.

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The guy looks like a hairless Shar-Pei, and he only gets scarier when he smiles or grimaces.

Paulina Porizkova apparently went with the latter; points to Ocasek. He's a living piece of igneous rock that's spent years out on a windy plain somewhere in the middle of nowhere, heavily bombarded by meteorites and tattoo artists.

The man's built an entire career out of looking like a cliff face. He's got the most egregious white-person afro since Bob Ross.

He might be short, balding and bespectacled, but Allen makes his neuroses work for him.

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And if the awkward nice-guy routine doesn't fly, he's got a secret weapon: underneath that veneer lies a voracious sexual appetite that cannot be satisfied by time or starlets.

At the risk of sounding crass, we'd marry indie cinema's ultimate character actor in a heartbeat, even if meant wall-eyed tadpoles nine months later.